My Preconception Journal

2008-03-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

Maybe the Clomid helped this month...... I had a chemical pregnancy. I never would have known if I had not been paying such close attention to my body.

A few times last week, I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and would suddenly feel nauseous on my way back to the bed. I knew that wasn't normal for me. When it happened once I thought maybe I just ate something too late or too close to bedtime, but I knew something was up when it happened two or three other occassions.

Also my BBT kept rising and rising. My CM remained creamy. And for 7 days in a row after ovulation, I had faint positives on my OPK's. None of these signs were normal for me.

I planned to test with an HPT on 11 dpo (Easter Sunday...March 23). I woke up and first thing I did was pee'd and I remembered I had wanted to test. Too late. I decided that I would not drink anything the rest of the morning and wait 5 hours to pee and test then. After 4 hours I really needed to pee, so I went ahead and tested and after only 1-1/2 minutes, I saw a VERY faint, barely there second line on the HPT! I was like, "yeah, right." So I left the bathroom to get a bottle of water and came back and the 5 minute test time was completed and there was still the faint positive. I even got a magnifying glass to make sure I really was seeing this and it was sure enough there. I didn't want to get my hopes up too quickly, but I did start to tear up and said, "Please God, let it be!" I was thrilled as I decided I would test again in a few days when hopefully the hcg levels would increase and show me a dark positive! I drove to walgreens and bought a digital HPT just for the occasion!

Mike works a double shift on Sunday, so I spent the day cleaning house, washing both vehicles and mowing the lawn. I felt great and I had so much energy!

That night at bedtime, I started having mild cramps. They felt like period cramps, but my period was not due for 5 or 6 more days. I began to worry that maybe I'd done too much work during the day. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and the cramps were still there. When I woke in the morning (Monday, March 24), the cramps were still there. I felt something wasn't right, so I decided to do the second HPT that morning when I woke up and it was.....negative :'-(

I was sad, but thankfully, I did not get my hopes up too much, so I was able to accept the fact without being completely heartbroken. It took almost THREE YEARS for this to happen and just like that....it's gone :'-(

I know it was just barely three weeks, and it wasn't anything more than a bundle of cells, but still.....that was going to be OUR baby.

2008-03-10T11:07:00.001-07:00

On March 4, 2008, Mike had a semen analysis done and we received the results later that same day. The results were very poor and are as follows:

Sperm count: 13 million (should be at least 20 million)
Sperm motility: 10% (should be at least 50%)
morphology: 2% (should be at least 14%)

The RE suggested IVF. There is no way we can afford to have ANY procedures done. So our chances are slim to none of ever conceiving a baby.

I guess Mike's daughter was right when she told me that she would be a mom and I never would and would always have to adopt dogs.

I can't begin to describe the pain I am feeling. I tried so hard not to cry in front of Mike because I don't want him to feel guilty or that I blame him for this, but I couldn't help it and the tears fell. I cried for two days. I am better now, guess I'm all cried out.

We will continue 'trying' even though it's a lost cause, but I'd rather keep trying than give up and always wonder 'what if I hadn't given up?'

I try to keep in mind that it only takes ONE little sperm.

2008-03-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

I started my period on February 29, 2008. Today is my third day and I am starting my 1st round of Clomid. I'm not feeling too optimistic about it because the RE already told me that she has only had ONE 43 year old woman conceive while using Clomid. I just feel that I will be one of the 43 year old "Clomid failed" statistics.

I have been charting my BBT since November 2007. Usually my temps are elevevated after ovulation and tend to begin tapering down a couple of days before my period begins. This month, however, my temps have not tapered down at the onset of my period and in fact have risen a degree each day since yesterday. This is not a normal pattern for me.

I went to the dollar store and bought an HPT and did that this afternoon. I know it's rare, but some women do bleed in early pregnancy and I wanted to rule that out before taking my first Clomid. The test indicated a BFN, so I guess I'm good to go!

Tomorrow we are going to call the RE's office and see if Mike can come in to give a semen analysis. We have not BD'd for three days and hopefully, they will be able to fit him in. I'm hoping his vasectomy from over 2-1/2 years ago has not made scar tissue that is blocking the passage of the spermies. He has been on a few supplements for the last several months as well and I'm hoping that they have helped to improve his sperm count and motility since the last S/A we had done over a year ago.

Hoping for the best, but not getting my hopes up.

2008-02-17T14:09:00.000-08:00

On February 2, 2008 I FINALLY had my period! Which means that I was FINALLY able to do the required blood work on cycle day 3 that the RE ordered for me way back in November 2007. This blood work was supposed to indicate whether I am possibly going into earlu menopause.

On February 14, 2008, I had a follow up visit with my RE to discuss the most recent blood work and the GOOD NEWS is that I am NOT going into early menopause! She said that I have just as good a chance as any 43 year old to conceive, but of course my chances continue to decrease with age. She gave me a prescription for Clomid to begin on days 5 thru 9 in March, however, she advised me that she has only had ONE 43 year old conceive on Clomid in her entire career. I appreciated her honesty, so I won't be getting my hopes up only to be disappointed if it doesn't work for me.

I am still charting my temps on Fertility Friend and it indicates that I ovulated on February 13, 2008. The pregnancy monitor on FF also stated that my chances of becoming pregnant were HIGH based on us BDing 3 days before ovulation, the day of ovulation and the day after ovulation. Things I did extra this month was each day, take 1 baby aspirin, 1 50mg B-6, 1 B-50 Complex and 2 500mg Royal Jelly. I also used Pre-Seed the day of ovulation and inserted an Instead softcup right after BDing to keep the spermies close to the cervix where they need to be and avoid them leaking out. I think I took EVERY measure I could have taken and if I don't conceive, something is wrong somewhere.

We are also planning on getting hubby tested next month. I'm hoping that his vasectomy reversal from 2-1/2 years ago did not develope scar tissue and is blocking the spermies. I have him on supplements as well to possibly help increase count and motility. Hubby is taken daily, 2 1000mg L-Arginine and Vitamin C in addition to his regular multi vitamin.

I am right now 4 days past ovulation. I'm feeling very hopeful, but not getting my hopes way up, so I won't be disappointed if it turns out that I didn't conceive this month.

I don't think I mentioned this yet, but this is my last year to try to conceive. If I don't succeed by my 44th birthday in December, I am giving up and accepting that it wasn't meant to be. It will be a hard reality to accept, but I have no other choice. I will just be thankful for the things I DO have in my life....like a hubby who loves me and would do anything in the world to make me happy and 6 furry 'babies' who love me unconditionally.

2008-01-24T18:19:00.000-08:00

On January 22, 2008, I had my followup appointment with the RE to discuss my blood work and possible treatment options. I brought along my BBT chart and blood work from my primary care physician which recently indicated that I had hypothyroidism and a month later with medication, it has been regulated. I pointed out to her that two days after my blood pregnancy test that my BBT chart indicated a thermal shift which might mean that I finally ovulated. She looked at my chart and then proceeded to do an ultrasound. Two large follicles could be seen on the screen and she said that it did indeed appear that I had ovulated this month! Unfortunately, I think we missed our window of opportunity because we did not have sex on the day before, day of, or day after ovulation, therefore, I'm pretty sure that our chances of conceiving were greatly decreased.

The RE advised that she would not be prescribing me Progesterone because IF I did ovulate, that would only delay my period. She said to give it another week or so and one of two things should happen: 1) I will become pregnant OR 2) my period will finally start. I'm expecting the latter to occur.

In an unrelated matter, I had to see my primary care physician today because it seems that I have come down with the dreaded FLU!! How did this happen??? I feel miserable. I have been running fever over 101*F since last night. I am on three medications for my flu symptoms. Tonight I started getting some minor cramps in my lower abdomin, but I only felt them maybe three times. I don't know if they were caused by the medication I started taking this afternoon or if they could possibly be early PMS cramps. The last one occurred three hours ago and other than the body aches, everything is so far, so good.

I guess I'm back to square 1. I'll update this if any further information developes.

2008-01-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a period since November 11, 2007. I have been charting my BBT & CM all this time. I have also been using a saliva ovulation monitor which has only been showing partial ferning on and off for the last three or so weeks. For the last three+ weeks I have had EWCM. It appears that my body has been trying to gear up for ovulation but according to my BBT, that has not occurred yet.

I called the RE last Friday and explained that I have not had a period since 11/11/07 and therefore, have not been able to get the blood work done which is to be done on cycle day 3. I wondered if I should just hang tight and wait. The nurse said NO, that that is way too long and she ordered some blood work and a blood pregnancy test. I did that on Monday morning and she called me with the results today. The nurse said that my pregnancy test was negative (I already knew that) and that my Estradiol level is 90 and my Progesterone is 1. . She said that the doctor wanted me to come in to discuss possible treatments. I have an appointment for next Tuesday afternoon.

That is where I stand right now. I'll will update this after I see the RE next week. Anyone reading this, please keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks.

2007-11-21T05:48:00.000-08:00

First off....let me mention that I have been bitten by the 'mommy bug' AGAIN. It happened after my boss who had trouble conceiving, finally conceived after almost a year of trying and she is now about 2 months along. Last week she gave me her stash of stuff that she won't be needing anymore, which included ovulation test strips, pre-seed lubricant, male supplements (for hubby) and two fertility books.

I found an interesting statement in one of the books: Soy suppresses the natural production of estrogen. When I read that, it occurred to me that earlier this year, in an effort to eat healthier, we had started eating more soy meat as opposed to hamburger meat. It seems that my irregular cycles began a few months after we began eating more soy. Mike says NO MORE soy for me!! He will finish off what we have left and we have bought turkey burgers for my personal enjoyment.

I also read on the internet that the supplement Vitex can regulate a womans monthly cycles. It is nicknamed "Nature's Clomid". I figured that I have nothing to lose, so I started myself on that last week. I also found online, a 'recipe' for fertility which includes taking 2 Vitex, 1 baby aspirin, 1 b6 supplement in the morning. And at night taking 2 Vitex, 1 B-50 Complex supplement as well as 2-4 teaspoons of Robitussin every 4 hours until ovulation. I am trying this too. Hubby is taking L-Arginine 3 times a day to increase sperm count, 1 Co-Q10 for sperm count and motility and 2 Vitamin C for clumping.

Yesterday (Nov. 19) I had an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Her name is Dr. Roach and I absolutely LOVE her! She is sooooo nice! I was almost disqualified from seeing her. A few days before my appointment with her, her staff called me to say that I needed to call my insurance company and obtain an authorization number from them. When I called, they asked me a series of questions such as, "are my cycles regular, have I ever had children, how long have I been trying, has either my husband or I ever had reproductive surgery." I admitted that Mike had a vasectomy reversal 2-1/2 years ago and the lady stopped and immediately said THAT disqualified me from seeing this specialist. I was flabbergasted and almost on the verge of crying. I asked, "Not even for a consultation?" She finally said the only way around it is if my PCP gave me a referral. I asked if it could come from my gynocologist because HE had suggested that I see an RE and she said "No", that it HAD to come from my primary care physician. So I called my doctor and they agreed to see me the very next day (Friday). Without a problem, I obtained a referral to see the RE!

The RE spent A LOT of time with me yesterday discussing my cycles, my eating habits, etc.... Then she performed an ultrasound and said my ovaries were a little on the small side, which isn't unusual since they decrease in size as we age. Although my gynocologist had performed blood work to check my hormones and said they were perfect and that I was nowhere close to menopause, Dr. Roach explained that we don't really know for sure, since our hormones fluctuate throughout our cycles and since we don't know at what point in my cycle I was when the blood was drawn, we don't know what the actual reading indicates. So.....when my next period begins (hopefully in a couple of weeks) I am to have blood drawn on either the 2nd or 3rd day of my cycle and this will indicate my actual hormone levels. She also mentioned doing a blood test that will check the quality of my egg reserves. I think this will be included in the blood work as well.

She suggested putting me on Clomid, but I explained that my insurance has already told me that they will NOT pay for any medications or injections :-( She said that there is a diabetic drug that would do the same as Clomid and she could give me that without the insurance knowing that it is being used for fertility issues. First we'll wait and see what the blood tests indicate (First things, first!).

She also went over hubby's sperm analysis from a year ago in way more detail than his own doctor did. She said that his sperm count is actually within normal ranges, and really it's just the clumping and low motility that is not in the normal range, however, conceiving is still possible even with that obstacle standing in the way. She asked if his doctor had recommended a mucus thinner and was very surprised when I said No. She suggested that he take 400 mg of Mucinex 2 times a day and this will serve to thin is semen. Who would have known???

I have also started monitoring my Basal Temperature and this morning there was a big drop in it, which indicates that ovulation MIGHT be right around the corner! Last night, I also ordered a saliva ovulation monitor. It is reusable and this way I won't have to spend a ton of money on ovulation test strips.

I have to admit that I had given up hope for a while there, but I feel very hopeful once again, but, I don't want to raise my hopes up too high and set myself up for a disappointment. However......this time I am ready to accept whatever the outcome is.....positive OR negative :-)

2007-09-14T11:10:00.001-07:00

To date, I still have not had a period. I had a doctor's appointment this morning and I was asked to give a urine sample. That test resulted in a negative for pregnancy :-( The doctor also took a sample to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases that can cause problems with your monthly cycles. I told them that I am married and do not mess around and neither does my husband, but the nurse said she is married too and trusts her husband but she still gets this test done yearly and she suggested that I go ahead and do it anyway. So I did. Then the doctor did an ultrasound and he said that my uterus looked really good and healthy and that there were no cysts on my ovaries, etc.... I then inquired whether I could be going through an early menopause and he said he didn't think so, but if I wanted he could test me for that. The doctor told me that he believes STRESS is the reason for my delayed and missed periods. He said he could put me on birth control to regulate them but since I am trying to conceive that would defeat the purpose. He assured me that nothing is wrong except stress and that he didn't believe I needed to be put on medication or anything. I was then sent to another building for blood work to test my hormone levels to see if I may be approaching an early menopause. I will receive the results from that back in 7 to 10 days.

Another disappointed but I guess God knows what best for me :-(

Goodbye again.

2007-09-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am officially almost four weeks late. I took my fourth HPT this morning upon waking and received another Negative. My period is due again sometime between September 5 thru 8. I don't feel like I'm going to have one. If I don't have one by Monday, September 10, I will contact my doctors office and make an appointment to be looked at.

Disappointment knocks on my door once again :-(

2007-08-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

Today I called my gyno office and explained the midcycle spotting and the spotting that I had around the date of my period, but no real period. Both the receptionist and the nurse asked me if I could be pregnant. I said there was a slight possiblity that I could be, but there are also other factors that could be contributing to it and that was what I needed to know.

They wanted me to come in to the office to have a pregnancy test. I asked if I could do one at home instead (to save money) and the nurse told me that would be fine. She said if I got a negative reading to just wait and see if I have a period in September and if I do not, to call back and they would have me come in and do a pregnancy blood test.

Mike and I went to Walmart and bought a HPT and I just did it and I got a big fat NEGATIVE. I kind of figured that is what I would get :-(

2007-08-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've added an entry into this blog. I really didn't feel the need to do so, since my chances of getting pregnant turned out to be slim to none.

Since my last entry, my periods have, for the most part, returned to near normal. Every few months I might be 2 or 3 days late, but nothing unusual. In April of this year (2007) I went in for my annual well woman exam. In May, I was called back to the doctors office so they could conduct a cervical biopsy because my pap came back abnormal. The doctor performed the biopsy, which was virtually painless and the test results came back non-cancerous.

For the most since my last entry, I have given up hope of ever becoming pregnant, but this month (Aug) something very strange is happening and I want to keep a log of it.

My last normal period was on July 16, 2007. It lasted three days with one final day of spotting. I don't think I ovulated this month since there was abcense of CM.

On the 9th day of my cycle, I began spotting brownish-red for three days and then 4th & 5th day it changed to brown spotting.

I then skipped a day, and had one more day of brownish spotting. Then I had five days of nothing.

My period was due on August 12th, but on Aug. 9 I began spotting again. On the 9th it was orangy-red, the next three days were more reddish-brown, but never enough to use a panty liner. It was only when I wiped after pee'n. The spotting stopped on the day my period was supposed to begin.

On Aug.16, I took a HPT and received a BFN :-(

On Aug. 22, Mike and I went to the waterpark and that afternoon I had some slight red spotting after wiping which was in the form of red lines. The next morning, I pee'd and had slight pink spotting after wiping but nothing more than that.

On Aug. 24, I took a seconf HPT which also was a BFN :-(

Today is Aug. 26 and still no period. I am now two weeks late. I feel fine and do not have pregnancy symtoms. If I had to take a wild guess, I would say that I am possibly either having a pre-menopause wacky period month OR my cervical polyp has returned :-(

I may call the doctors office tomorrow (Mon) and see what they suggest I do (they will probably tell me to wait and see if I skip my next period) and if I haven't started by Friday (Aug 31), I may take another HPT.

If anyone is reading this, please send some 'baby dust' my way!! Thanks!

2006-05-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

I guess this will be last post here. I think we finally figured out why we haven't conceived yet.

It's been ten months since the vasectomy reversal. Mike went to the office to do a semen analysis on Monday (May 1, 2006). We got the results back yesterday. The nurse said that his sperm count was 100 million. She said that was 'normal', but I think I've read that optimal is 400 million. Regardless.....I think motility of the sperm is our biggest problem. She said that 60% to 80% should be 'swimming' but only 5% of Mike's are.

I'm really disappointed about the results. I wished that I could have foreseen this and saved us $8500. I'm not angry with Mike though. He did everything he could to try and give me the opportunity to be a mommy. I guess it wasn't meant for me to be one though. Fate can be so cruel sometimes, but I try to remember that everything happens for a reason. We don't always know what that reason is at the present moment, but somewhere down the road we might realize what it was. I'm sad about the results, but what can I do? Life goes on.

I guess Mike's daughter was right a few years ago when she was angry at me, she said that one thing was for certain......SHE would be a mommy someday and I never would be and that was why I have to adopt dogs. She was right. She is the mother of a 19 month old baby boy........ and I have 2 dogs.

2006-03-30T21:19:00.000-08:00

On March 30, 2006 I went to the doctors office for a routine well woman exam. I think I know why my periods have been wacky the last four months. The doctor immediately saw a polyp on my cervix. He removed it right then and there. It was painless and all I felt was a little pressure and I didn't even bleed afterward. The doctor assured me that he sees this very often and they are usually not cancerous, however, he was sending it to the lab just to be sure.

After he was done with my exam, he also performed a pelvic ultrasound which I found to be very interesting as he pointed out my uterus, cervix, cervical opening, bladder and ovaries. He said that everything appeared fine. He even pointed out a developing egg in my right ovary!! How weird because I thought I had ovulated LAST WEEK. Apparently not if there is a developing egg there. I guess I don't know my body as well as I thought I did.

The doctor and I discussed my desire to conceive. He asked if Mike had given a sperm sample to be tested. I told him that was on our list of things to do. He said that would be the first thing we want to look at and if all is okay with him, he will have me come in and he'll shoot some dye into my tubes to make sure they are open.

He also wrote me out a prescription for prenatal vitamins. I advised him that I was already taking an over the counter one but he told me they do not contain as much folic acid in them as the prescription strength one does and that folic acid is very important if I'm trying to conceive.

Since I have a developing egg in the ovary, I figured it was a good night for sex.

Oh.....and last week, I found this lady on Ebay that performs fertility spells for you. I had her do one for me. She said that she felt very strongly that we would be blessed with a baby. We'll see if she's right!! Keeping my fingers crossed!!

2006-03-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

Once again, I was fooled into thinking I was pregnant this month. I figured out what happened though. Last month (February), I had a late ovulation, which must have delayed my period. I've been tracking my cycles for several months now and I noticed that my period always starts 18 days past the last day of ovulation (sight of CM). So......I counted 18 days and put a red mark on my calendar on todays date and wouldn't you know it??? Today is the day my period started. I'm feeling kind of sick to my stomach right now with period cramps. I wish I could just lay down and do nothing all day, but I have chores around the house that need to be done. Hopefully the Advil will kick in soon and I'll feel better.

I'm somewhat disappointed that I was not pregnant this month as I thought since my period was ten days late. At the same time, I know that I will be someday....IF it's meant to be.

2006-03-11T17:59:00.000-08:00

Here it is March 2006. I haven't been keeping up with my log, so let me start with Nov. 2005 when my body began acting really strange:

Nov. 17 had my period and lasted the normal three days. 12 days later I had another period which scared the crap out of me. I think I mentioned this in a previous post, so I won't go into details again. On the 5, 6, and 7th day into my cycle, I experienced some CM.

Dec. 24 (2005), my period started and a little heavier than normal but lasted three days. On the 7, 8, 9 & 10th day of this cycle I had some CM.

Jan/2006: On the 17th day of my cycle, something very unusual happened. My nipples became sore and became progressively more so over the next 2 weeks. This has never happened before. My nightshirt rubbing on them or the shower spray would cause discomfort. I experienced some spotting on the 15, 18 and 20th, which is also not normal for me. On Jan. 21 my period started and my nipples immediately stopped hurting at this point. My period appeared normal and lasted four days with one day of spotting the day after it ended.

On Feb. 7, my period started again, only 17 days into my cycle. Once again, not normal for me. It was a normal period, lastng four days but something even more unsual happened this month: I spotted light pink for 6 consecutive days past my period, skipped one day and spotted light pink for three more days. It was so small an amount that I didn't even have to wear a liner, it was only seen when I wiped after pee'n. On the 17th and 19th day of my cycle I had a small amount of CM.

Mar/2006: My period was due to begin on March 6. As of today, I am approximately 5 days late. Three days ago I did an HPT that had a negative reading, however, I did it in the afternoon and the box suggested that first morning pee is more reliable. I was impatient. If I haven't started by Monday (7 days late), I will perform a second HPT that morning upon waking. I'm also wondering if the fact that I ovulated later in the month than usual is not delaying my period. If that's the case, I SHOULD start my period on March 16.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

*I've really been concerned the last several months that my periods have suddenly become irregular because of the possibility that I could be approaching an early menopause. I saw our regular doctor on Feb. 23 to request blood work to have my cholesterol checked since I haven't had it done in such a long time. The doctor and I discussed my periods, but he didn't think I was approaching menopause yet. When it came time for the blood work, I thought they were taking an awful lot of blood from me just to check my cholesterol (FIVE vials!). Today, March 11th, I received a test result in the mail. Seems the doc performed a FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) test on me that day as well. From what I've read on the internet, it is a test used to determine possible infertility. I'm happy to say that mine were normal!! At least now I know that the reason I'm not conceiving yet is not due to perimenopause or whatever!! Even if I'm not pregnant this month, I still have a chance. Yay!!

Mike and I have also discussed the possibility of him going back to Baylor to have a sperm sample tested. Since his reversal, we still have not had that done yet. Also, the doctor just recently put him on Flomax and that drug can cause infertility in men by causing the semen to back up into his bladder rather than coming out the way it's supposed. I hope this doesn't happen to us.

I think I'm caught up now. Anyone reading this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!!

2005-12-21T20:13:00.000-08:00

I has the weirdest dream this morning. I dreamed that I had pee'd and something dropped out of me. I looked at it and realized it was an 'yolk sac'. I looked closer and inside was the most beautiful baby boy with blondish hair and blue eyes. I called my husband over and was telling him to look at the baby inside and to hurry and take his picture before he dies.

The dream disturbed me somewhat and I was a little sad when I woke up. I told Mike about it and told him that I was glad the baby had not died before I woke up, because that would have been really sad, then I actually started crying about it.

I've been dreaming a lot of weird dreams over the last few weeks. This is the second baby related dream I've had within three weeks. Three weeks ago I dreamed I was inside my body and I saw three embryos forming and they were triplets: two boys and one girl.

2005-12-16T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'm two days late today, so I purchased a home PT, but it came out negative. Oh well, just have to keep on practicing.

2005-12-15T20:41:00.000-08:00

Technically my period is one day late. UNLESS I count the abnormal bleeding I experienced on November 29 as a period, then I may not have another one for two more weeks. This is crazy and I don't know what to think. I don't want to jump the gun and do another pregnancy test and look like a fool. Then again....maybe I will do one on the weekend if I haven't started by then. If it's negative, then I'll leave it alone and see what happens in the coming weeks. My BB's are starting to get sore, so that could be an indication that my period will be along in another week.

2005-12-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is really crazy. Last night (Dec. 3) I'm having CM indicating possible ovulation.

Today, I went to the store and bought an EPT. I used it when I got home and I got a negative reading. I guess we'll have to keep practicing. This afternoon, I'm also experiencing the slight pressure in my lower left abdomen again. I have had a very dull backache for the last week. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I don't have a UTI or bladder infection. That still would not explain the abnormal bleeding I had last week though.

I took an online pregnancy test today too (just for kicks) and it said I only have a 15% chance of being pregnant, however, it's still too soon to tell and if I WERE pregnant, I would be 2 weeks along right now.

2005-12-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

My period started on November 17 and lasted the normal three days. It seems that the last two to three months, my CM began showing at about 6 days after my period starts. After my November period, I didn't experience any CM at the normal time, however, on Tuesday morning, November 29, 2005 I went to the bathroom and began bleeding as though I was having another period. It was bright red and scared the crap out me since this sort of thing has never happened to me before. My periods are always right on schedule each month. Other than the bleeding, I felt fine. I went to bed that night and woke up around 2am and had a hard time getting back to sleep because I felt a slight pressure in my lower left abdomen and my left leg felt "heavy". On Wednesday I called the doctor and the nurse told me that 'breakthrough bleeding' is very common and nothing to worry about. I insisted on making an appointment to see the doctor anyway. The bleeding lasted until Thursday night (Dec.1).

My doctor appointment was schedule for Friday, Dec. 2, 2005. The doctor examined me and said everything appeared to be normal. He explained that the bleeding could have been a one time occurrence due to stress or hormone changes OR....I could have ovulated last week and I could be pregnant and was experiencing 'implantation bleeding'. He said we won't know whether I'm pregnant or not until I miss my next period and take a pregnancy test.

I'm not going to get my hopes up because I don't want to be disappointed, BUT....this would be the best Christmas present I could get this year!!

I just remembered a dream I had last week. I was inside my body and I saw these THREE rounds things and they were transparent but I could see the inside workings going on. A voice somewhere told me that they were eggs and they would be forming into embryos soon and would be fraternal triplets. Then it's like I was no longer inside my body, but was outside again but as a spectator looking at myself through anothers eyes. Three babies were born, I also saw them as toddlers and then as teenagers. Three of them....2 boys and 1 girl.

Uh oh....I wonder if this means something??

Also, I seem to have lost my appetite since last week, as a result I've lost a couple of pounds too. That's a good thing and I'm not complaining.

2005-10-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

My body is acting really weird this month (October). My last period (Sept) only lasted for two days. When it ended, I told hubby that we were going to do it EVERYDAY this month. Hehehe! I think I ovulated only about 6 or 7 days after my period ended (not the regular 11 to 14 days like all the websites say is the norm). On Oct. 10th my breasts became very sore, which is unusual because they normally do not become sore until my period is exactly 7 days away. One morning I woke up and felt nauseated, but I didn't throw up. I skipped breakfast that morning because I knew I would throw up IF I had eaten anything. Hubby rubbed my stomach and asked if MAYBE we might have a "little Mikey" inside. I replied with "I wish!". Today is the 20th and I began experiencing some slight lower left abdominal cramping. Like mild period cramps, but my period is not due for another 2 to 5 days and I never experience cramps except on the first day my period starts. So this is very unusual for me also. My breasts are still slightly sore but not like they were on the 10th. Usually at the onset of my period, my breast soreness goes away completely. I'm also experiencing some slight brownish spotting this afternoon. I took some Tylenol and the cramping has gone away. I wish these were the first signs of pregnancy, but with my luck.....they probably are not and it's just my body being weird.

2005-09-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday (Sept. 20) Mike was going to go to the doctors office to obtain a semen analysis. We've been trying to conceive since July with no luck yet. We ended up not going to the doctors office because when we called them earlier that morning, they said that we should not have sex for at least 48 hours BEFORE giving a sample. So we postponed that.

I don't think it really matters to find out whether he has a low sperm count or not, because even if he did, we wouldn't be able to afford IVF or any other method to become pregnant. The vasectomy reversal pretty much broke our bank. But Mike says that he should do it because IF he does have a low sperm count then at least we can stop hoping so much. It doesn't matter one way or the other because I'll always be hoping regardless.

What's so weird is that when I was in my 20's, I always said I never wanted to have kids. But now that I'm older, I want to have ONE. I feel like I've accomplished everything in life EXCEPT motherhood.

Darn! My period started today, so it didn't happen again. .....There's always NEXT month. Keeping my fingers crossed!!

2005-09-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Since I'm starting this journal kind of late, I'm going to start at the beginning. Mike and I have discussed having a baby for about five years. But because he'd had a vasectomy about 11 years before we met, we couldn't afford the cost of a vasectomy reversal. I thought it was hopeless and I was often angry, because I had discussed the possibility of having kids with him BEFORE we were married and he had told me when I decided I wanted to try, to let him know and he'd do whatever it took to make me happy. So imagine my surprise when I told him I wanted to try and he told me there was NO WAY we could afford a vasectomy reversal. I was REAL angry all the time because I felt that if this was something HE really wanted, he would have found a way to make the extra money to afford it, but the way he was acting, he wasn't even making an effort. We argued about it a lot over the course of a few years....or at least I did. He would just sit and hear me out and not say anything. One day I blew my top and told him that if he didn't mean what he said before we got married, he should have been honest with me and that way I could have given our marriage more thought and either I would have decided that having a child was so important to me that I could have chosen not to marry him and instead find someone who wanted what I wanted OR I could have decided that I loved him enough to give up the idea of ever having a child. If he had been honest with me, I wouldn't be so angry and resentful toward him. After a while, he got a second part time job one night a week for four hours and we began saving the money from it. I started saving money too from my job and I had $1500 saved up myself. We had several thousand dollars saved up from his job and then one day he decided he wanted a BowFlex and the only way to afford one was to dip into the "baby fund" BUT he said he would replace the money used at the end of the year when he finished paying off the credit union for the gun he had bought the year before (he's a cop). Well, when the gun was paid off, instead of replacing the money in the "baby fund" he bought another gun. I was livid!!

My mother-in-law passed away last December (2004). Michael inheirited her house which we sold in March and he insisted on using some of the money towards a vasectomy reversal. I was happy, but sad at the same time because I shared a good relationship with my MIL and I felt guilty using the money from her house for a reversal procedure, because I knew she was against us having a child.

I was also concerned that it might not be successful and the money will be wasted. Afterall, I'm 40 and Mike is 51 and His reversal was done 15 years ago. I know all of these things decrease our chances of conceiving. I saw my gyno for a preconception visit to make sure everything was okay with me before we spent $8000 on a vasectomy reversal. At this time I also began taking an over the counter prenatal vitamin which contained 800 mcg of folic acid.

Mike and I researched the internet for a suitable doctor and we found one at Baylor. His bio sounded VERY promising. He discussed the age factors versus success rates, etc.... We learned that he is a pioneer in his field and had a HUGE success rate under his belt!! We made an appointment to see him. He told us that he had performed a reversal procedure on a man who's vasectomy was 25 years old and it was successful!!!

Mike's vasectomy reversal was done on June 13, 2005. The doctor showed me pictures after the surgery and there was sperm present in both testes, except I noticed that on the left side, there was only ONE healthy looking sperm, and on the right side, there were a bunch except they didn't have little "tails". I questioned the doctor about this and he advised that it was normal because the vasectomy was 14 years old, the sperm had no place to go and die so they degenerated and that was why they appeared the way they did. I was concerned and asked him if they would improve and when. He seemed very confident as he told me that they would improve and look like the healthy one on the other side, within two weeks. We were advised not to have sex for 14 days. On the 14th day it was "PARTY TIME" for us!! I knew nothing would happen for that month, since my ovulation had already passed.

In July, I hoped it would be successful, but it wasn't. I decided not to focus so much on it and that hopefully it would happen when the time was right.

In August my period was two days late, which is VERY unusual since I'm on a regular 28 day cycle every month. Naturally my hopes were raised!!! I went and bought a home pregnancy test and used it, even though it was afternoon and the box suggested first thing in the morning. It showed a negative reading and then my period started right then. Boo!!

Now we're in September and we've had sex about every other day this month. I'm trying to be optimistic but then last night, for some reason I decided to research the effects of melatonin on the body, since Mike and I both take it every night to help us sleep. Mike takes 3mg and I take 12mg. To my horror, I learned that melatonin affects male and female fertility, although there is no hard evidence to prove this at this time. I was shocked and when Mike and I went to bed, I shared the information with him and then I started bawling like a baby. I apologized profusely to Mike for having spent the money for the reversal and how I didn't think it was going to work since we're both taking melatonin and it affects fertility. He held me close and comforted me and told me that it wasn't my fault and we would just keep trying. We ended up haing sex with me bawling into his neck an holding him tightly. I told him I feel so guilty for having spent all that money and it doesn't work.

I'm still sad about it and I cried about it a bit ago. I'm so discouraged about it now. I didn't take any melatonin last night, but I wonder if it's too late and how much damage I have already done to my body.