Since I'm starting this journal kind of late, I'm going to start at the beginning. Mike and I have discussed having a baby for about five years. But because he'd had a vasectomy about 11 years before we met, we couldn't afford the cost of a vasectomy reversal. I thought it was hopeless and I was often angry, because I had discussed the possibility of having kids with him BEFORE we were married and he had told me when I decided I wanted to try, to let him know and he'd do whatever it took to make me happy. So imagine my surprise when I told him I wanted to try and he told me there was NO WAY we could afford a vasectomy reversal. I was REAL angry all the time because I felt that if this was something HE really wanted, he would have found a way to make the extra money to afford it, but the way he was acting, he wasn't even making an effort. We argued about it a lot over the course of a few years....or at least I did. He would just sit and hear me out and not say anything. One day I blew my top and told him that if he didn't mean what he said before we got married, he should have been honest with me and that way I could have given our marriage more thought and either I would have decided that having a child was so important to me that I could have chosen not to marry him and instead find someone who wanted what I wanted OR I could have decided that I loved him enough to give up the idea of ever having a child. If he had been honest with me, I wouldn't be so angry and resentful toward him. After a while, he got a second part time job one night a week for four hours and we began saving the money from it. I started saving money too from my job and I had $1500 saved up myself. We had several thousand dollars saved up from his job and then one day he decided he wanted a BowFlex and the only way to afford one was to dip into the "baby fund" BUT he said he would replace the money used at the end of the year when he finished paying off the credit union for the gun he had bought the year before (he's a cop). Well, when the gun was paid off, instead of replacing the money in the "baby fund" he bought another gun. I was livid!!

My mother-in-law passed away last December (2004). Michael inheirited her house which we sold in March and he insisted on using some of the money towards a vasectomy reversal. I was happy, but sad at the same time because I shared a good relationship with my MIL and I felt guilty using the money from her house for a reversal procedure, because I knew she was against us having a child.

I was also concerned that it might not be successful and the money will be wasted. Afterall, I'm 40 and Mike is 51 and His reversal was done 15 years ago. I know all of these things decrease our chances of conceiving. I saw my gyno for a preconception visit to make sure everything was okay with me before we spent $8000 on a vasectomy reversal. At this time I also began taking an over the counter prenatal vitamin which contained 800 mcg of folic acid.

Mike and I researched the internet for a suitable doctor and we found one at Baylor. His bio sounded VERY promising. He discussed the age factors versus success rates, etc.... We learned that he is a pioneer in his field and had a HUGE success rate under his belt!! We made an appointment to see him. He told us that he had performed a reversal procedure on a man who's vasectomy was 25 years old and it was successful!!!

Mike's vasectomy reversal was done on June 13, 2005. The doctor showed me pictures after the surgery and there was sperm present in both testes, except I noticed that on the left side, there was only ONE healthy looking sperm, and on the right side, there were a bunch except they didn't have little "tails". I questioned the doctor about this and he advised that it was normal because the vasectomy was 14 years old, the sperm had no place to go and die so they degenerated and that was why they appeared the way they did. I was concerned and asked him if they would improve and when. He seemed very confident as he told me that they would improve and look like the healthy one on the other side, within two weeks. We were advised not to have sex for 14 days. On the 14th day it was "PARTY TIME" for us!! I knew nothing would happen for that month, since my ovulation had already passed.

In July, I hoped it would be successful, but it wasn't. I decided not to focus so much on it and that hopefully it would happen when the time was right.

In August my period was two days late, which is VERY unusual since I'm on a regular 28 day cycle every month. Naturally my hopes were raised!!! I went and bought a home pregnancy test and used it, even though it was afternoon and the box suggested first thing in the morning. It showed a negative reading and then my period started right then. Boo!!

Now we're in September and we've had sex about every other day this month. I'm trying to be optimistic but then last night, for some reason I decided to research the effects of melatonin on the body, since Mike and I both take it every night to help us sleep. Mike takes 3mg and I take 12mg. To my horror, I learned that melatonin affects male and female fertility, although there is no hard evidence to prove this at this time. I was shocked and when Mike and I went to bed, I shared the information with him and then I started bawling like a baby. I apologized profusely to Mike for having spent the money for the reversal and how I didn't think it was going to work since we're both taking melatonin and it affects fertility. He held me close and comforted me and told me that it wasn't my fault and we would just keep trying. We ended up haing sex with me bawling into his neck an holding him tightly. I told him I feel so guilty for having spent all that money and it doesn't work.

I'm still sad about it and I cried about it a bit ago. I'm so discouraged about it now. I didn't take any melatonin last night, but I wonder if it's too late and how much damage I have already done to my body.